Friday, 15 July 2016


The bed eat when I want to get up and I can not, I run out of forces, it is impossible and see what I want but I can not lift.
If it were not for my mother who is raising me, I'd be all day inside. In the afternoon after lunch I want to sleep because I can no more by my illness and that I get worse, but I can not help it, I'm going to bed. Yesterday I put myself mourn and went to bed, I have to change the chip and go more because what frightens me is the street '' What nonsense !!!!! with so nice sun does.
I know I have to accept, especially for my son, I have to fight hard for it. Many times I have really wanted to live and not get into a bed because I'm losing my life, but others bed eat me.
A if I'm going to leave the bed and live, think me some good walks around the village. I have to accept that the bed is for night and for the day.


Thursday, 7 July 2016


I come from the relaxation session and I'm more than willing to write this article. A day of my life, the life of any person, may seem a short time, but it is not. If compartimentamos day in hours, minutes and seconds the time becomes longer and you can get more fruit. One day is long because the clock can be extended to an infinite relative and squeeze the juice to the maximum.
Compartmentalized time we feel that we have much more to live and to affirm with Roberto Benigni and Nicoletta Braschi that life is beautiful and it is because time is a wonderful place to live treasure. Time is life itself, time is a state of mind. No present or past or future. Times are states of the soul and not to differentiate at all.

We must always look to the present, which is the most immediate state of soul that exists. In reality we live in is an eternal present. Not to allow time shop us up and we delude ourselves into thinking that everything is always lived better than what we live in the present. And it is not like that. The present time gives us the feeling that we are more alive than ever and we have the absolute truth of all: that we are beings for present glory of our stock.
At the beginning of the day it is when I'm worse with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, which are closely related. physically and mentally review everything in the house and all the things I have to do during the day or did the day before. It is an experience that causes me great suffering and that makes me feel the most miserable person in the world. In fact, I came to think that no one is worse than me. It is a spiritual and physical suffering that leaves me alone. Lasts two hours or more. Then, throughout the day, also review from time to time, but less the same things. 
This obsession will not let me live. I feel totally dependent on it and do not know how to overcome it. Sometimes I sense a glimmer of hope that makes me feel happy even have the disorder, but does not last long. It is a perishable happiness but worth being experienced because every little happiness is great. Here you can also say that life is beautiful because one has the will to be able to overcome adversity and move forward with the necessary to avoid falling into sinkholes even bigger force.
During the day I try to bring hope where there is none, for I find wrong. That hope sometimes only lasts a few minutes, but when I feel really comes and I consider myself a happy person, as opposed to the unfortunate person that I am when I am a victim of obsessive compulsive disorder. I am happy with the smallest things. I do not need big things to be happy. I just so tiny, seemingly inconsequential. But just fragmenting the time as said earlier article and then feel a moment of happiness has a huge wealth that multiplies to infinity if only lasts a small tract of time.
At night I usually watch TV, preferably sports programs or movies. I love movies and that helps me fill my articles after cinematic references. Cinema is a great source of education. Filmmaking is life. You always have to say as the song: more movies please. I have no preference for a specific genre. If the film is good gender is me indifferent.
At the end of the day I usually do a reflection in bed all that I have lived and happened to me. It's a quick reflection, just twenty minutes to see what I've done wrong and how I can improve the next day. I return to dialogue with God, but without praying, a direct conversation as in my book Grito. This dialogue helps me to ask the rest end, comfort and sleep and I usually fall asleep soon.
This is pretty much my day. I consider it quite rich but I am very demanding of myself and always want more, but less than all bad as my disorder. I hope this article will bring us further in this open dialogue we have since two years or so ago. Continue our relationship is what I want. And let there not fail us, as I say, hope.

Jose Cuadrado Morales

Monday, 4 July 2016


My life after the disease has been slowly squeezing my desire to make new things.

I have been slowly evolving but not in a good way. but I feel accompanied by the people around me, yet I feel alone on the problems that happen to me every day. It is a contradiction to live together but only once, eat this feeling inside me and not let me evolve as I wanted.
Many weekends I go out with my parents but I feel constant loneliness. I think this feeling has greatly influenced the fact of divorce and to see my son only on alternate weekends, days between these visits are eternal me. That little time I spend with him, squeeze as much as possible, but when it will invade me a deep sense of loneliness.
I love my life banish that feeling, but it seems impossible at the moment, overwhelms me, consumes me, makes me have negative thoughts and especially immobilizes me.
It is a feeling that can not be shared because people I have on my side do not understand that you can be with them and feel alone at a time.
I have a feeling that if I do not find this a couple next to me in those deeper feelings and understand, do not think you can eliminate.
I feel sometimes that can be thankless, because there are people who have no one and loneliness is forced, without possibility to change their situation.

On the other hand the help of professionals who are funneled I go in sickness and like trying to cure her, not engaged in the thought that comes over me and I can not deal with pills, therapy etc. ...

The few friends that I keep, it is very difficult for me to meet with them and not understand anything, and are within their lives with their homework.
Within this world around me, my life goes very monotone.
Every week look alike to me, without a new incentive in my life, the only lifeline is my son and hours I can be with him.
As I finish throwing a muffled cry about my situation and the desire to change this.
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Wednesday, 29 June 2016


Rare is the media (be it magazine, newspapers, teletext of different television channels, etc ...) that does not have a section of contacts or relationships between people. You know: men seeking women, women seeking men, men seeking men, women seeking women, friendship, other relationships, etc ... Many of you have ever resorted to this section to widen the circle of friends. I have done answering ads or putting my own.
I remember in 1990 I put an ad in the ABC de Sevilla Journal and the company that managed the ads published in many other ways, including one of Granada, which allowed me to meet Leocadio, who after years became my best friend. And still is. He just turned 49, specifically on 4 February. Every year we welcome birthday. I him on 4 February and he to me on August 26. Certainly the next August will fulfill 56 years, so I'm almost four years older than my friend Leocadio.
Tune from the first moment thanks among other things to the affinity we had with mental illness. Those who often read me know my sufferings, among whom I stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Leocadio suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. I do not know which is worse. I know he really tried to commit suicide, not mock, and I do not. And he must submit from time to time and I have only entered once I coinciding with the death of my mother and the breakup of a relationship with a woman. My friend has a hard time with income, but it will check to perform all therapies that apply.
He lives in Lugros, a small town in the mountains of Granada, occasionally going to Granada to see the psychiatrist and psychologist, allowing you to interact with others, but that relationship is ephemeral and lasts a few hours. We hit it off from the beginning great. We wrote long letters with all the sincerity in the world where we told all things. And always we were sending one christmas Christmas to congratulate the holidays. Over time we have left to write and use over the phone.
He was married to a woman who knew her illness when they went to bed. But he soon left with a small daughter, Mari Carmen. Leocadio saw his daughter half of the holidays and every fortnight on weekends. He wanted and loves her daughter, who is now a woman. What hurts is the attitude that now has his daughter with him, absolute coldness because he will never see his father living in such a small town and never calls and when seen every fortnight for tapas and chat never asks how it is, that is the question most expected him to see how his daughter is interested in him and gives him a little affection. But his daughter follows the guidelines of his mother, who does not want to be spreading the disease from her ex-husband, like a contagious disease. It is again the stigma of mental illness, which spans many branches of human relationships.
Nor he receives the affection that he wanted his mother, a village woman, closed, brutota, 83, who gives loving mother, but no understanding for the disease because it does not understand and overcome. Often discussed and he calls me to tell me. I listen with all the love in the world because we are really friends and I love him very much. I want to highlight in this article the importance of friendship for the mentally ill so they do not feel alone and stuck only his ailing world.
Also he has problems with his two brothers. With the largest I had a shock when her mother was admitted in the hospital in Granada and his older brother as he charged meals if your home was entitled to a pension food. Leocadio has a small non-contributory pension.
He calls daily to his brothers, but neither ever ask him how he is. They have frankly marginalized and feels very alone and no longer knows how to make his brothers throw accounts.
My friend is a little sybaritic of snuff. Every day after lunch going to a cafe for coffee and then a cigar smoking a certain brand, not another. I send every year a cigar box that mark for his birthday. This year I've done it again. I also shipping as a second birthday on April or May I usually book published annually. This year will be Rosa of life, a poem lake river divided into 90 parts which deal with four themes: life, love, death and obsession, all under the influence of Schopenhauer. He is an avid reader because their vision problems can not watch TV, but you can read. And devours everything he can. Theirs is the writing that painting, but also writes occasionally. He learned to paint in the Ura Guadix. Since that time it does not stop. But not sell his paintings. I always tell her that you will follow the path of Vincent Van Gogh, who sold one painting in his lifetime and after his heirs have had enough of making money. I do not want that to happen to him the same. I think that's self-esteem must sell their pictures and get money to live better.
Regarding the attitude of his daughter to him sometimes too desperate and sometimes tells me he regrets being father. I say that teenagers are well and I know well what I say because I have a son who is already a man and treats me coldly. But he despairs soon.
In the village you point out, as they did with Juan Ramón Jiménez in Moguer, when he was riding his Platero and pointed with calling him crazy finger when he was was depressed by the untimely death of his father, which cost entry into a sanatorium. But Lugros is a very small town and everyone knows their constant internments and problems of paranoid schizophrenia.
I understand the need for affection Leocadio. His immense solitude. We will never see us because he can not travel for their illness and I am afraid to go to new places. I wish him the best Leocadio. And I wish the best to all readers who put ads in daily or teletext. They find true friends and happier and mitigate their loneliness in the best way possible. Health and luck.

Jose Cuadrado  Morales.

Friday, 24 June 2016


Ideals experiments help us to reason and draw conclusions about a subject. In the experiment known as "The Cat Schorödinguer" the following problem: in a closed room there is a cat and a bowl of poison that can be opened or remain closed; to see if the cat at a given moment is alive or dead have to open the door to the room and check. By observing we determine whether the cat is alive or dead. The reality seems to exist while observing, but what happens while we are not watching ?. In those moments, the cat is alive or dead ?. Physics tells us that in these circumstances the cat is alive or dead, but in an intermediate state, a mixture of the two.
In this intermediate state we seem to be sick when loneliness comes not desired. That solitude in which we do not seem to be alive or be dead, but in an indeterminate latency. I have suffered for years, living alone with my parents and out into the street alone to work. During that time largely we lose parts of the emotions that must be present in the lives of everyone, such as fraternity and friendship.
Solitude imposed from outside is not good.
That said this is not true: sometimes we are not guilty of this solitude and others if, although it is good to think that we ourselves intervene where this is on and we should not excuse in circumstances or others, although some of this also has . That's why centers like the Unit of Mental Health Rehabilitation Hospital Virgen Macarena help us both to move forward and find spaces for meeting with other people who become very especially needed to carry the disease on, specialists and friends. And it is that being alone in a crowd can end up in an outbreak. (It is also true that after one of them, they seem asleep these emotions, we recovering gradually as we rehabilitated). So all these relationships we heal us in this regard.
To be happy is not necessary to do everything well, but with love.
I do not need everyone treats me well all the time
The world has never worked perfectly, but despite that people have gotten to enjoy life and we can do it.


Wednesday, 22 June 2016


There is a place lost
where the darkness.
There is a place awake
where you are if more.
But you always want your place
among different sites.
You say you have a name
Who's that shadow that never
you leave?



Wednesday, 15 June 2016

AFFECTION ... Vitamin for the soul

Some more, some less, we all need to feel affection samples appreciated: a kiss on the cheek, a sense I love you, a wink of an eye, a compliment, a phone call, a pat on the shoulder. Any words or kind gesture by others to us is a real gift for self-esteem.
The sincere affection involves a heavy dose of empathy that is know to take the place of the other. It is good to receive a caress but so is giving it to those around us.
Often difficult to admit that we feel alone and we would ask dear, if only a little Sometimes we pour part of that existential angst in a hobby or stroking our pets. But it is clear that prior to this exchange of feelings must look good to the recipient for the connection is successful.
Nothing would a false friend, ironically a compliment or a mechanical gesture of affection. Look people in the eye is a good start, and listen to the other is also showing interest. It is easy to say but much of the misunderstandings lie in not listening to our fellowmen or not properly express our emotional needs.
Time will do its part, as it will allow us to get to know the other person, to know what interests you, what points we have in common, what show of affection would be appropriate. Affection is a fundamental ingredient of living as it helps build friendships or simply makes the routine more bearable when we stumbled upon a smile or a pat on the shoulder. Do not be ashamed of being demonstrative with whom we appreciate, do not you think?